Muses
Copyright © 2016
Never, in all the time Ty Spencer had known Sebastian Schütler, had Ty ever heard him sound so grim. Nor could he imagine four simple words would change his life so completely.
“I need your help,” Sebastian said.
The voice on the other end of the phone was more familiar to Ty than those he was accustomed to hearing every day. It was the voice of the man he’d fallen in love with years ago; the voice of the man who had become his best friend.
“Of course I will come. Give me a couple days to wrap up things here and then I will be on the first flight available,” Ty said.
But that wasn’t what happened. As soon as Ty hung up the phone he picked it up again and booked a flight for the next day. There had been a flight the same evening but he did have responsibilities to take care of before his departure.
The most important was to Frank Churchill.
Ty had to see him. Even though he knew it would be a confrontation neither of them were prepared to deal with.
Ty needed to look into Frank’s eyes as he explained his sudden and mysterious departure; not only from the city but from his career, his home and the life he had recently made for himself. Ty wanted to be certain there were no regrets. He also had to be certain there were no feelings they’d left unexpressed. He needed to see, really see, how Frank would react. After all, he was going to help the one friend Frank liked the least, again.
Both men knew, talking over the phone, Frank could hide his body language. He could keep the timber in his voice cool and calm; never missing a beat or giving up his true feelings. However, sitting across from Frank there was no way he could hide it from Ty.
Knowing Frank as Ty knew him; Frank’s eyes were his weakness. Everything else Frank could control with the poise of a snake waiting to strike at any moment; muscles aching, and head fixed in thought. But Frank’s eyes would be constantly moving left to right registering any of several emotions. And it didn’t matter what Frank was feeling; happy, sad, angry, or confused. The eyes betrayed him.
Frank and Ty had been lovers once. They were together when the first book was published. Frank had endured the entire process with a great deal of resignation and disdain; the contract, the tour, the letters, good days and bad. Frank had kept their lives balanced as best he could, including keeping Ty in check at times. By the time Ty had started the second book, Frank came to him one morning “to talk.” This was Frank’s prelude statement to the fact they had to discuss something difficult for him.
“I can’t do this any longer,” Frank stated.
“Do what?” Ty asked.
“Be the strength for both of us,” Frank replied.
And Frank was right.
Frank thought Ty hadn’t realized how he had been an engineer of many sorts. Frank’s called profession as an engineer had not trained him for this, however. The most significant part of Frank’s life had been managing “their” life; or more often than not Ty’s life. A job Frank had done, without thanks sometimes, for almost two years. One day Frank was the secretary answering the phone; screening calls, setting up meetings and booking flights. The next day Frank would be masseur and rub Ty’s shoulders before a book signing. Or the next day therapist, telling Ty he was special when he didn’t want to believe it. And finally lover and partner: making sure Ty slept and ate when he should have and satisfying the carnal needs the body demands.
The fact was, the last year or so of their relationship, Ty had taken Frank for granted. And finally, he’d had enough. Ty knew it wasn’t just about all the things Frank had done for him. Frank had done those things happily and in support of his partner. But in traveling with Ty and in attendance of all the book signings, Frank was noticed from time to time.
Frank was, by nature, a very private person. So when questions began as to who he was combined with the problems at home, it was time. Frank wasn’t ready to give up his anonymity. Ty had to respect that.
“I love you, no doubt, or I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I have in this zoo of your career. But I can’t continue on your journey in the side car and still maintain one of my own,” Frank said.
The strange thing was, sometime after Ty had moved out of Frank’s flat he realized, maybe life with Frank wasn’t too bad. Not to mention, how many times could Ty find love in the form of Frank? He was someone who was steady as a boulder and willing to put his life on hold to nurture Ty’s, at least for a time anyway. It was when Frank hadn’t been around that Ty realized he’d been much more than confidant, masseur, secretary, partner, and lover. Ty missed the day-to-day interaction. He missed Frank’s gentle nudges as a form of guidance.
In order to maintain a minimum of contact, they still had dinner every Wednesday night; something they did while Ty was on tour. But Ty looked forward to these nights more than either had in the past. And even then, Frank was the anchor. Frank had changed too; he was more patient when the conversation inevitably returned to Ty and what was happening in his life. Frank was more comfortable with this arrangement. These little dinners still gave him the opportunity to say what he thought and walk away. If Ty took the advice or not was not an immediate concern of Frank’s, especially if Ty didn’t listen to good advice. Frank didn’t have to witness the fall and Ty didn’t have to see the looks of “I told you so”.
Ty couldn’t say if it had been time or the separation but one of the two made Frank more at ease with listening and giving advice. The comfort level was so mutual some Wednesday nights turned into Thursday mornings.
“Are you free this evening?” Ty asked.
“It can’t wait until Wednesday?” Frank asked in response.
“No, I’ll be gone by then,” Ty replied.
“Where are you off to now?” Frank asked.
“Germany!” Ty replied trying to hold back any emotions.
“How’s 7 o’clock?” Frank immediately responded.
“Fine, and thanks,” Ty said.
They met at “their” restaurant on the upper east side of New York City. Frank had even arranged to get their usual table. Ty arrived late, more so than was normal. And as he entered the glass doors a strange feeling came over him.
The feeling wasn’t just strange but eerily foreboding. It washed through him from head to toe and then sort of enveloped him like a coat.
“After tonight you will be nothing more than friends,” someone seemed to say to him.
Ty wanted to turn around and see who was behind him as if the words had actually been spoken, but he knew there would be no one there. This feeling wasn’t coming from a person nor was it a singular idea that had popped into his head. He felt as if it had been slowly gestating in the pit of his stomach since Sebastian had called. Then, as Ty entered the restaurant, it attacked the rest of his organs and limbs before exiting his body and creating a shroud around him.
Why had this feeling come over him?
At the time, Ty hadn’t given any thought as to how long he would be in Germany; it would be determined when he arrived. Ty had been to Germany while Frank and he were together and several trips before and after. So why was he reluctant about finally explaining himself. Wouldn’t that have been natural for two friends? Then Ty thought to himself, not to Frank. In his mind there was nothing natural about Ty’s relationship to Sebastian. Because it was Germany things were different. Because it was “him”; the one Frank had felt the most anguish towards.
Frank could never bring himself to say Sebastian’s name. As long as Frank referred to Sebastian as “him” he was innocuous and distant. As “him”, Sebastian was a ghost from Ty’s past that haunted Frank was well.
As Ty approached the table the feeling subsided but still lingered lightly. It was no longer a shroud but like the smoke from a cigarette not extinguished; visible and slightly irritating.
“Thanks for coming,” Ty said.
At first, Frank didn’t say a word. Then he smiled and briefly looked away, trying to disguise an attempt to say something but practicing restraint instead. Ty took his silence as the beginning of a fight. It was evident Ty had to prepare himself for the worst even though it was not what he had wanted this night to be; especially, after what he’d just felt.
The thought of rushing into this conversation, almost predestined to turn out wrong, weighed on Ty’s mind. He took a few more minutes to carefully measure his words. Fortunately the waiter came along and provided a respite and took their drink order.
Then Ty began to explain.
“He needs me,” Ty said in a soft, almost apologetic, voice.
No sooner had the words come out of Ty’s mouth had he regretted them. For a moment, he thought Frank was getting up to leave. Frank pushed his chair back from the table and sat there staring. Not at Ty, but somewhere just to the left of his face. Frank fixed his sight on something in the not so distant background to keep focused. And then, as if coming out of a trance, Frank returned his chair to the table and looked at Ty. Reason and determination had returned to him. Frank’s purpose for coming was not about to let him leave.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Frank asked as he looked at him intently from across to the table.
“Doing what?” Ty responded slightly annoyed.
“Dropping everything and running off every time he calls,” Frank retorted.
“First of all, I don’t do it every time he calls and secondly because that’s what friends do,” Ty countered.
“But you want something he can’t give you. Or has refused to give you for years. Yet, you run to him without a care or thought to yourself, your career, nothing or no one,” Frank said.
Ty heard a possible chink in Frank’s armor. Frank said “no one”! Was he referring to himself? Ty momentarily debated calling him out but chose not to say anything in case he had assumed wrong.
“Sebastian would do the same for me and you know it,” Ty answered.
“No I don’t know that. When was the last time he flew to the States to help you with anything? When has he attended a book signing or a publication party?” Frank asked.
The candor in Frank voice was precise and cutting but he still remained in control of his feelings. But Frank’s eyes were moving left to right at lightning speed and betraying his inner most thoughts and fears.
Again, Ty wanted to challenge him. He wanted to know what Frank was really fighting to hide but chose to let it go, again.
“Never,” Ty answered.
The waiter came with the drinks.
“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asked.
“Could you give us a few minutes?” Frank retorted.
Frank’s calmness was beyond frightening. It seemed as if his part of the conversation had been rehearsed. Words Frank had held back were surfacing for air for the first time. Was there something Ty had missed before in all of their conversations about “him”? Perhaps some hint of a deeply seeded animosity Frank had never registered?
“He’s never come here because I have never asked him to,” Ty said, almost as a matter of fact. “And besides he has been to NYC; we’ve met in Spain, Turkey, and many places to see each other.”
“You’ve never asked him to come to any of your public appearances or parties?” Frank asked.
“No, I’ve not!” Ty replied emphatically.
Frank leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands, eyes never leaving Ty’s.
“Why?” Frank asked.
“I don’t know why,” Ty stated.
But that wasn’t the truth. Ty had a very good reason and not just one, in all honesty. Although one was probably more burdensome than any of the others.
“Then maybe that’s the question you should be asking yourself right now. Look, I’m not trying to be cruel. Hell, I’m not even trying to dissuade you entirely of going. Just be sure of why you are going and what’s in it for you,” Frank said.
“Why does there have to be anything ‘in it’ for me?” Ty asked.
“Because I know you! Which means I also know that despite this lame reason of ‘he needs me’ there’s something far more personal on your part. More than you are willing to admit, even to yourself apparently. You’re struggling with it right now as you sit there. You’ve probably been struggling with it since he called. I can see it in your face. I can hear it in your explanation. Let me also say I have no doubt you are going to help your friend. And that’s very kind, downright noble in fact. Then there’s reality. And reality is what matters, no? Come on at least be honest with yourself if no one else. A lot has changed in his life recently. There could be opportunities that present themselves as they never could before. What will you do then? Will you still feel there is nothing in it for you? Will you be able to walk away, like nothing happened, afterwards? Can you walk away from him now if it was absolutely necessary?” Frank replied.
There was no response Ty could have given Frank that would have been honest. Frank was right, yet again. Ty had been struggling with something but it wasn’t what Frank was thinking. Ty had never told Frank about the last conversation he’d had with Beatrice Schütler, Sebastian’s wife. Would Frank understand the real reason for his involvement? Or would it look like a desperate attempt to make Frank understand?
“I have just one more question and then I’ll let it go,” Frank said.
“Ok,” Ty said. “What is it?”
Frank was silent for a few minutes. He was purposefully taking his time. When he was like this, it was often because he usually knew the answer to the question he was about to ask. Ty knew this about Frank and Frank knew Ty knew this. But Frank was never one to shy away from the hard questions; of Ty or of himself for that matter.
“You might hate me for what I’m about to ask you, but I’ll take that risk because I think the question has to be asked; and not to pry or satisfy some kind of morbid curiosity. But it’s been the one question in the back of my mind since you called earlier today,’ Frank said slowly and deliberately.
The pregnant pause again and the seriousness with which Frank delivered his last words made Ty feel uncommonly terrified. Frank’s voice had become almost a low whisper. He was looking at Ty and fidgeting, something Frank rarely did. Then he lowered his head and smiled again. Ty didn’t know what to make of it.
“Did something happen between the two of you on your last trip?” Frank asked.
“What do you mean hap-- For god sakes no! Frank, it was his wife’s funeral. You’re right, I should hate you for that question,” Ty replied angrily.
They both sat there for a few minutes; Frank was trying to remain calm and Ty was trying not to look annoyed. Fortunately the waiter broke the silence. They ordered their dinner before looking at one another again.
“How long will you be away?” Frank asked.
“I’m not sure, I booked the return for 30 days from tomorrow,” Ty replied.
“A month,” Frank cut himself short and regained his composure. “Sorry, why so long? What’s wrong?” Frank asked.
“I don’t know, I didn’t ask, I just said I would come,” Ty replied.
“So you’ll fly in and save the day again, huh?” Frank said.
“That’s not fair!” Ty answered curtly.
“Fair?” Frank asked forcefully. “Is it fair that I pretend to be jealous or should I actually be jealous?”
Ty quickly recalled an earlier part of the conversation. So, this was, at long last, where Frank was coming from. Ty didn’t want to assume anything before. Now, there was no doubt. Frank was jealous.
Was it the first time? Had Ty been oblivious in the past to Frank’s feelings? Was Ty finally being shown a different side to Frank?
“Neither suits you,” Ty responded.
“Well, chasing a dream certainly suits you,” Frank said.
“Touché,” was all that Ty could say.
The words stung Ty so deeply he wanted to scream out in pain. The thought of verbally lashing out at Frank hovered in front of Ty with the weight of a two ton truck on his tongue. But this was not just anger! It felt like outraged with a sprinkling of unchecked disgust. Why had it become so easy to elicit such anger from one another? The question he asked of himself prevented him from saying something equally hurtful.
Had they continued like this, the conversation was headed down a very dangerous path of regret. To date, Frank and Ty had never had to travel that path and Ty didn’t want to leave having had bad words between them. Something had to be done to change the course. Frank arrived at the same conclusion as Ty, and it was fortunate for the both of them.
“Here, I bought this last Thursday,” Frank said.
He produced a gift wrapped package from one of the empty chairs at our table. Ty was more than overwhelmed.
“I’m sorry,” Ty said.
“So am I,” Frank said.
Ty sat there for a moment looking at the gift and feeling a little embarrassed. Last Wednesday night had turned into one of those Thursday mornings. They’d had dinner and then gone to hear a jazz band in the Village. There was no need to ask if they were going to be together that night; each knew it was going to happen. The only question was a matter of whose apartment and Frank’s place was closer.
“Don’t try and put 2 and 2 together or read more into it than there is. I can see the wheels turning in your head. It became available last week and I had to buy it then or risk losing it. I’d been searching a long while for it. It arrived already gift wrapped. Not my choice of paper. I had planned to save it for a special occasion but it’s even better as a peace offering,” Frank said. “I don’t know why I brought it tonight. Something told me to grab it on my way out the door and I did. I hope you like it.”
With that introduction, Ty knew it had to be something truly spectacular. Frank wrote the book on giving the most amazingly clever and appropriate gifts. For a minute Ty was afraid to open it.
“Go on, please, open it,” Frank said.
“Ok,” Ty agreed.
The box underneath the wrapping had two smaller boxes inside. The first box contained a pair of white gloves.
“Put them on,” Frank prodded.
Reluctantly, Ty did. He felt a little foolish sitting in a restaurant with white gloves on his hands.
However, upon opening the second box, it all became clear.
Inside the second box was a beautifully bound book, hence the white gloves. Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin. The book had been signed by the author and it was a first edition in flawless condition. The sound of soft cracks in the binding came from the book as if it had never been opened before. Baldwin was Ty’s favorite writer.
“Frank this is too much,” Ty tried to say with all humility.
“Not for you,” Frank said in return.
With those words, Ty felt his heart grow to a size he had never thought imaginable. With one single gesture Frank had managed to make Ty feel more love for him than he ever had.
Frank’s head was hung low and once again he was fidgeting. He nervously glanced in Ty’s direction several times to see if he was looking at him. And of course Ty was. But Frank wouldn’t hold the glance more than a second or two. For a moment Ty wanted to hold Frank. He wanted to go back in time and start over. He wanted this Frank forever.
Frank was taking on a role. This one he did best. Frank was the faithful friend who knew just what needed to be done and said in order to get Ty to think. Frank had done this countless times when they were touring but now it had more meaning. It’s was as if Frank, too, had felt what Ty had felt when he entered the restaurant. There were times when Ty had felt they were somehow linked to feel what the other felt. But, surprisingly, it hadn’t been enough to keep them together.
“I can’t accept it,” Ty said.
“You have to,” Frank said on the border of irritation.
Ty felt like the sole of a shoe. Instead of protecting the owner from manure, he was the reminder of having to walk through it; the lingering odor faint but ever present.
He couldn’t continue declining Frank’s precious gift, so he acquiesced. Frank had taken the time, not to mention the expense to find the one book Ty had always wanted. The least he could do was accept it.
“How can I ever repay you?” Ty asked.
“You can’t,” Frank said. “Just accept it and think nothing of it.”
But Ty couldn’t. Guilt was what he felt most. Guilt for every bad thing he’d ever done to Frank. Guilt for what he was about to put their friendship through; the guilt of caring for one man a great deal more than he could for any other.
